Navigating Family over the Holidays

Are you looking forward to seeing family this holiday season?

That could be a loaded question, likely to yield responses as varied as laughter, smiles, an upset stomach to a cold sweat. Because for many, visiting families of origin over the holidays can be difficult.

That’s because most family systems are combative. Meaning, members tend to feel an undue freedom to say or do things they would never say or do to a neighbor, co-worker or during a job interview . So being offensive or domineering or abusive is par for the course in many family dynamics. While upbringings are usually a mixture of positive and negative experiences, many of us had traumatic and toxic interactions with our families of origin, and seeing those people over the holidays isn’t easy.

It comes down to baby birds.

That sounds weird, but stay with me for a minute: Have you ever seen baby birds in a nest when their mother comes back with food? Their mouthes gape wide open to receive whatever is given to them. The mother comes and stuffs a slug down their throats.

The babies don’t ask what species of slug they’re eating, how many grams of protein, or if the slug is free-range or grass-fed. They swallow it whole.

That’s what our family of origins were like: We didn’t get a choice. We swallowed whole whatever was given to us.

Kindness, encouragement, and financial security, shame, trauma and abuse. Alcoholism, divorce, and losing a family member, We took it all in and swallowed it whole.

An emotionally healthy adult achieves an awareness in life to recognize what is actually good and what is bad. And, we are able to retroactively evaluate what we experienced in childhood.

An emotionally healthy adult is able to name what happened to them- whether good or bad, helpful or traumatic. Naming is cutting through the bull**** to say who or what something really is.

When we realize certain things were traumatic in our families of origin, therein lies the rub: The problem people don’t go away. We may still have to see them or speak with them or share a table over an awkward and tense trip to Grandma’s house at Christmas.

If you’re at a place where enough healing has taken place, you can love people through the power of the Holy Spirit, without the need to be combative. You don’t have to have the last word. You don’t need to prove anyone wrong. You don’t need to fight for your rights- because you’re confident in uncomfortable surroundings.

At the same time you calmly reject false narratives and abuse.

If you are dreading visiting your family of origin this Christmas season, remember you are no longer a baby bird. You no longer swallow things whole.

You are an adult.

When we get married, we start a whole new family, with brand new expectations and dreams and traditions. It’s wonderful. We get to rewrite the script.

This Christmas season, if you’ve gained awareness by correctly naming what happened to you growing up, mourning that pain and moving forward in confidence, you can navigate through difficult family relationships. You can resist the invitations to re-engage like the old days and live out of who you really are. Honor your father and mother and show respect and kindness to all, but you do not need to play the role other people may expect you to.

But get ready for pushback. Those who haven’t changed won’t like what you’re doing. They will demand you play your old family role. And as you increase in healing, they will increase their shaming to pull you back into that role.

At the same time, it’s up to you to decide how much you want to be around unsafe people. Keep it short if you need to and take care of yourself. Make sure you are receiving the support you need and the respect you deserve.

It’s okay if it’s not worth it. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you're obligated to interact with them. Jesus reminded us the people who are true friends and brothers may not be biologically related to us, and that’s okay, too.

So love your family of origin through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Reject disrespect and abuse.

Live out of who you really are.

Have a Wonderful Christmas season!

-TF