Narcissism: The Badge of Shame
Narcissism: it’s a buzzword today.
“He’s a narcissist”, “She’s a narcissist”, “Our president is a narcissist”, “Here’s how to spot narcissism”, and on and on.
It’s been a popular concept in our culture for the last several years, and like many of us, I’ve recently become aware of that idea in myself and others.
Technically, it’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and to be formally diagnosed, an individual must present several criteria such as: grandiose sense of self-importance, abusive behavior, inability to admit wrongdoing, envy, and belief in being superior to others.
Now that we’re done with the science, let’s agree those traits can be true of all of us: We can all exhibit narcissistic characteristics as human beings. So it seems the point of the concept is that in a true narcissist, these traits are normative. They’re not just something that happens from time to time. They are a part of who they are.
Let’s also agree that these traits are bad. Gaslighting others and refusing to apologize is bad. Thinking you are better than other people is bad. Being jealous is bad. And that’s why we’re talking about narcissism as a culture: Many of us have finally been awakened to the abuse that narcissists create in our lives.
And like many speaking into the cultural conversation, I’ve also been deeply hurt by narcissists in my own life. But what I’ve recently learned has helped me separate from narcissist personalities and heal from their influence, and that is understanding what drives their behavior.
The motive.
When a murder is committed, and after the who-what-where-when is determined, practically all we hear about is motive. Why? Why did they do it? What was their motive? I imagine it’s a way to bring some measure of comfort to the victims and an understanding, however heinous, for the reason for the crime. A book I recently read suggested that part of healthy mourning is empathizing with those who hurt us- not to excuse, but to understand. So here’s what I’ve come to understand about narcissists:
The root of narcissism is shame.
That’s right, shame. Not arrogance or pride or confidence.
Not workaholism or over-competency or something that sounds cool. Nothing we can polish up to sound better.
Just unsexy, embarrassing, shame.
Why is the root shame? Because the narcissist possesses an ultra-fragile ego that is so wrought with shame, they must protect their wounded self at all costs. They are so weighed down with shame they can’t handle any more- they cannot apologize or be wrong or be curious or, God forbid, be weak. In their eyes, these are all shameful activities- and they cannot handle one more drop of shame.
At the pathological level then, there are two problems.
The narcissist’s definition of what is shameful behavior and
The overabundance of it in their lives
A narcissist is a scared little boy or girl on the inside. They are terrified of their past hurts and failures and of being embarrassed even more. They are jealous of others because they don’t believe they’re enough. They must always present a competent and bulletproof self.
But here’s the deal: God did not make us bulletproof. And His desire is not that we present ourselves like we are. Every single one of us is carrying hurt and baggage from our upbringing.
Listen to me: That’s normal.
So what if exposing our weakness doesn’t need to be shameful? And what if God made us to actually need each other?
Remember the father in the parable of the prodigal son ( Luke 15:11-32)? The son was shaming himself when he met his father, “Dad, I screwed up, Dad, I’m unworthy” But the father, after he ran though the pasture to meet his son, was having none of it.
“Put a ring on his finger! Bring the finest robe! Let’s have a huge party!!”
Because my son was lost. But now is found.
The narcissist is lost, but desperately afraid of being found. And found out.
We are healed in community as we rely, depend upon, learn wisdom and confess our brokenness to others. True healing is found through trusting each other in an authentic community, not by hiding in shame.
The next time our lives are touched with the bite of narcissism, try to see the scared, jealous little boy or girl on the inside of the offender. And remember : they’re overcompensating for their own staggering pain.
They’re wearing the badge of shame.
